A Mothers Pain

I’ve hurt emotionally before but it goes away. This is continuous; an ache in the middle of my chest, sometimes dull…then sharp taking my breath away. Not a physical weight but pressure. Tiredness. Pain meds do not touch this pain. Neither does self medicating. 

My first child is resting healed whole blessed with Yahweh now. 

It’s already February. The days are like pouring molasses…maybe that’s not a good analogy.  Has time slowed down?  

Grieving process. Been there many times and know there will be more. Enduring, thinking of the times of happiness just being around him. Sometimes happy thoughts…mostly painful. I know. This will get easier. My God heals the broken hearted. He’s done it before and will again. 

The biggest block of agony is knowing I should have acted for him months ago. I don’t know why I trusted the healthcare workers to care. I am so ashamed!  I know I have to forgive myself first but why can’t…Larry would tell me to stop playing with…I can’t say what he would say. It’s very crude but true. He would also say this pain is a molton image…putting painful emotions before God. Too much shame. 

All I can do now is wait on Yahwehs mercy to heal and restore. He has never failed me!  

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Faith does have substance. I hope and wait in faith. 

Praying for enemies 

As I read news about Israel (the land and people who live there and across this world as well as spiritual Israel) and the many attacks on them by their enemies all over the world as well as in their land, my heart is very sad and heavy. I confess I don’t know to pray but am reminded of Yeshuas words to all believers in Him inMatthew 5:43-47. “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.Mat 5:46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?Mat 5:47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Mat 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

My question is “How do we do this?”

I’m a searcher of the Internet and found a prayer by Mary Ellen Meyer on a blogger post that I would like to point to as a model.

Prayersforenemies.blogspot.com by Tom Beutel

September 21, 2004. (The following is a prayer that the author led with the faculty of the university in which he teaches, in January 2003 before the start of the Iraq war.)

“Lord God (Yahweh) sovereign God (Eliohim) of the universe, savior and deliverer, we pray first that you would help us by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit to take our refuge in you and not in our own strength or plans.

We pray that you would help us to resist the temptation to usurp your role, and to allow you to deal with each person, even those who do evil to us, according to your knowledge and your designs.

We earnestly pray for all who would do us harm. Help us to understand in what ways we may be provoking the hatred of our enemies; help us to understand the frustration or desperation that may lead some to strike out against others; help us to love and not to hate; help us to want to pray for our enemies, for their salvation. We know that you do not wish for any to perish. We ask that your mighty presence be with those who embrace terrorism, and with their leaders.

We pray especially for (add who, where, or what).

Lord, we do not ask that you would assist them in their aggressive actions, but that you would open their eyes to you, and that you would soften their hearts until they repent and embrace the Lord Jesus Christ. May it be in our lifetime that we could call these men brothers in Christ. In the name of Jesus your Son we pray, Amen”

I added parentheses.

I pray that our great Creator Yahweh will draw all believers together in agreement of Yeshuas words to us.

I also pray for Yeshuas soon return and for His Kingdom come in our days. Amen

Always in His loving Grace, Lana

A Mental Health Story:  A wonderful son and friend

It’s been a strange week. It’s a long story that started in November 2015. I think I need to share this because this grown son so handsome and full of imagination and pure love, was a dear friend as well as my first child and son. 

It began on August 17, 1972 early in the morning. My first baby. I was slightly scared. All I remember of 12 hours labor is my husband talking and laughing with the Doctor.  At the time I thought it rude but what did a 22 year old girl know how they were supposed to act!  Anyway I woke the next morning to be in a room with another lady asking for her baby and soon I was asking for mine. 

We didn’t hear anything until the afternoon. In poured the other mothers family pastors and Doctor. They told her her baby had died she started wailing. I began crying thinking that’s what had happened to mine. A nurse came and reassured my baby was fine. I could not really believe it till he was in my arms!  After they took the mother and family out I was panicking. What’s wrong!!!

Thank God he was fine!  They kept him away for 2 days because they had pulled him out with forceps!  His poor head!  I didn’t care and immediately began nursing him…oh what joy!!

I want to record all the beautiful and painful situations of his amazing life. He lived a life of courage and faith fueled with patience and love. It would be too much though. I’m not sure what to highlight. My memories are jumbled. 

A two year getting potty trained while I held a screaming second son. I felt so bad for Philip. He was crying too as I led him to the potty. 

A sweet quiet playing boy. Imagining castles, dragons, and warriors. He made up his own games for his brother Matthew and sister Sarah.  They adored him. 

Then hell came into his and all our lives. His dad stepped out of our lives. 

BAM!  First blow to him that shook him to the core and crippled me emotionally. A trigger for helplessness, so much anger, feelings that came in waves like the pain I now feel.   Philip tried to be strong for me. It was more than he should have to handle. 

Nine long months in Army life and THE BREAK came at 19 years old. 

The next 20+ years we both struggled to survive. Philip began building an imaginary world. He felt whole and strong there. He came back to this world to visit his family but then he would always return often slipping back and forth to talk to us. I joked with him about it this year and he smiled and admitted he did that. I know he really had no control over the voices though. We both came to an understanding within our hearts and knew he would be healed one day. Just not the way it happened!  But do we really ever know “how” or “when”?

He was sent to the ER by ambulance on January 6, 2016 for Renal failure. In the ER while they were getting his blood pressure stabilized and an IV in, I noticed how distended his stomach was and asked a doctor. He ordered an x-Ray and then CT. The bowel empaction was BAD!  

Meeting his doctor from Advanced Rehab And Health Care in Wichita Falls, Tx, was confusing. No one told me he was in renal failure. Not even his doctor. His first question was, “Does he have siblings and where are they?”  Surprising he would ask that. 

Wait! What’s really wrong? He showed me numbers for Philips creatinine in his kidneys. They were too high and the doctor wanted them lowered. Okay, what about the empacked colon??  Oh, he would get a GI doctor for that but he would give him go-lightly. A colon cleanser. 

I won’t go on with each blow by blow for the next ten days which became more nightmarish each day. It’s all in his chart though. They refused him any treatment but the most conservative. 

We know he died of a heart attack but not why?  We, his family and I, want an autopsy. The JP here didn’t get an inquest so his hands were tied. Really??


This is the link my son set up if you could help us this week. One week to make a lot of decisions. 

I pray Yahweh our Eliohim will show us His will and way through this. Amen

Stiff Necked; Stubborn; Pride: Part I

StubbornMule200x150_72Where did all of this stubborn, rebellious, hard hardheadedness come from in this world?

I admit, I am one of the weak ones in Yahweh’s kingdom.  I’ve been a very slow learner all of my life due to many things I believe happened to me before and during my conception.  I make no excuses though and do admit to being a very stubborn human being. I know Elohim has a plan for all of our lives.

Lately, I have grieved about that and prayed that Elohim would change/circumcise my heart, eyes, ears, and mind so He can mold me to some type of vessel fit for His use.  I have gone through a lot of repentance for many thoughts and actions and then during the fall festival of Sukkot, received mikva (baptism) in the Red River about the 4th of October, 2015.  I know something changed in my heart.  I am no longer plagued with guilt and am experiencing a “clean” feeling in my mind and heart.  A renewal?  I believe so.  I want to say “AMEN” to every instruction of Elohim’s Word both written and in my heart.  There has been a definite change and I can only thank Yahweh for that.

For many, many years, I have read Yahweh’s word if not everyday then almost everyday.  Since I have been studying with people who are seeking their Hebrew roots, I have learned that the whole Bible is instruction from Yahweh.  A lot of what is taught is to read mornings with praying for insight, wisdom, and direction.  I have set my heart to worship first, pray, and read the Word.  Yahweh is meeting me during these times and helping me understand so much about myself and the why’s of so many questions I ask of Him.  He is so gracious and wonderful!  I will give my whole testimony elsewhere but this morning was special and why I am blogging today.

While lying on the floor before my Great Creator Yahwey this morning, praying for so many people, countries, and situations, I began to wonder first why people, me included, were so stubborn about accepting His Kingship and rule in our lives. Why was I?  I admit I cried a lot of tears for my own stubbornness and then, in my minds eye, saw so many people, Israel, my children, our nation (in general) and even many family members struggling with a type of blindness.  After all, didn’t Abba say to the children of Abraham and those en-grafted in by the sacrifice of Yeshua haMachea, that He would bless them IF they would only obey and love Him? (Bless them with what? Another question for another time.)  Why aren’t we loving each other? Why do we continually break His commandments and instruction?  I’m beginning to see how much happier life is when doing this.  Why did it take me so long?  Is it because I’m not intelligent enough? I know I’ve never been the smartest one around but gezz! I cried out, “WHY LORD?”

I began to think that this started way before the world was even created with who else but the great deceiver, Satan.  These verses came to my mind.  It sounds like Satan to me but there are probable many opinions.  I humbly submit this as the beginning of rebellion and war against YAYWEH and has continued on earth in through and around all humans, beast, and earth.

Eze 28:12-19
(12) Son of man, take up a lamentation upon the king of Tyrus (an evil nation but this seems to describe Satan too), and say unto him, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Thou sealest up the sum, full of wisdom, and perfect in beauty.
(13) Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering, the sardius, topaz, and the diamond, the beryl, the onyx, and the jasper, the sapphire, the emerald, and the carbuncle, and gold: the workmanship of thy tabrets and of thy pipes was prepared in thee in the day that thou wast created.
(14) Thou art the anointed cherub that covereth; and I have set thee so: thou wast upon the holy mountain of God; thou hast walked up and down in the midst of the stones of fire.
(15) Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day that thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee.
(16) By the multitude of thy merchandise they have filled the midst of thee with violence, and thou hast sinned: therefore I will cast thee as profane out of the mountain of God: and I will destroy thee, O covering cherub, from the midst of the stones of fire.
(17) Thine heart was lifted up because of thy beauty, thou hast corrupted thy wisdom by reason of thy brightness: I will cast thee to the ground, I will lay thee before kings, that they may behold thee.
(18) Thou hast defiled thy sanctuaries by the multitude of thine iniquities, by the iniquity of thy traffick; therefore will I bring forth a fire from the midst of thee, it shall devour thee, and I will bring thee to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all them that behold thee.
(19) All they that know thee among the people shall be astonished at thee: thou shalt be a terror, and never shalt thou be any more.

My thoughts about this may be totally wrong but I have wondered why Yahweh has put us on earth knowing that Satan would only try to turn us against Him with every lie and trick he could imagine.  Could it be that by putting our lives in Yahweh and believing that He would do what He said He would do when we did, that by and through our faith and obedience in Him, Satan would be shown to ALL creation to be the usurper that he tried to be?

This hurts my head!!!

So, here we are, seemly caught in the middle of a war but could it be this simple? Or is this simple at all?  It’s really not so simple to explain why human kind is put in this position.  I will have to search the Word for more answers and hopefully, with Yahweh’s help there will be a Part II.

Before I go I want to make clear that YAHWEH has a plan and HE WINS.

Rev_9:1 And the fifth angel sounded (a trumpet), and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.
Rev_9:2 And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.
Rev_9:11 And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless pit, whose name in the Hebrew tongue is Abaddon, but in the Greek tongue hath his name Apollyon.
Rev_11:7 And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them.
Rev_17:8 The beast that thou sawest was, and is not; and shall ascend out of the bottomless pit, and go into perdition: and they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life from the foundation of the world, when they behold the beast that was, and is not, and yet is.
Rev_20:1 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.
Rev_20:3 And cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season.