A Mothers Pain

I’ve hurt emotionally before but it goes away. This is continuous; an ache in the middle of my chest, sometimes dull…then sharp taking my breath away. Not a physical weight but pressure. Tiredness. Pain meds do not touch this pain. Neither does self medicating. 

My first child is resting healed whole blessed with Yahweh now. 

It’s already February. The days are like pouring molasses…maybe that’s not a good analogy.  Has time slowed down?  

Grieving process. Been there many times and know there will be more. Enduring, thinking of the times of happiness just being around him. Sometimes happy thoughts…mostly painful. I know. This will get easier. My God heals the broken hearted. He’s done it before and will again. 

The biggest block of agony is knowing I should have acted for him months ago. I don’t know why I trusted the healthcare workers to care. I am so ashamed!  I know I have to forgive myself first but why can’t…Larry would tell me to stop playing with…I can’t say what he would say. It’s very crude but true. He would also say this pain is a molton image…putting painful emotions before God. Too much shame. 

All I can do now is wait on Yahwehs mercy to heal and restore. He has never failed me!  

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Faith does have substance. I hope and wait in faith. 

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