A Mothers Pain

I’ve hurt emotionally before but it goes away. This is continuous; an ache in the middle of my chest, sometimes dull…then sharp taking my breath away. Not a physical weight but pressure. Tiredness. Pain meds do not touch this pain. Neither does self medicating. 

My first child is resting healed whole blessed with Yahweh now. 

It’s already February. The days are like pouring molasses…maybe that’s not a good analogy.  Has time slowed down?  

Grieving process. Been there many times and know there will be more. Enduring, thinking of the times of happiness just being around him. Sometimes happy thoughts…mostly painful. I know. This will get easier. My God heals the broken hearted. He’s done it before and will again. 

The biggest block of agony is knowing I should have acted for him months ago. I don’t know why I trusted the healthcare workers to care. I am so ashamed!  I know I have to forgive myself first but why can’t…Larry would tell me to stop playing with…I can’t say what he would say. It’s very crude but true. He would also say this pain is a molton image…putting painful emotions before God. Too much shame. 

All I can do now is wait on Yahwehs mercy to heal and restore. He has never failed me!  

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Faith does have substance. I hope and wait in faith. 

Praying for enemies 

As I read news about Israel (the land and people who live there and across this world as well as spiritual Israel) and the many attacks on them by their enemies all over the world as well as in their land, my heart is very sad and heavy. I confess I don’t know to pray but am reminded of Yeshuas words to all believers in Him inMatthew 5:43-47. “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.Mat 5:46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?Mat 5:47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Mat 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”

My question is “How do we do this?”

I’m a searcher of the Internet and found a prayer by Mary Ellen Meyer on a blogger post that I would like to point to as a model.

Prayersforenemies.blogspot.com by Tom Beutel

September 21, 2004. (The following is a prayer that the author led with the faculty of the university in which he teaches, in January 2003 before the start of the Iraq war.)

“Lord God (Yahweh) sovereign God (Eliohim) of the universe, savior and deliverer, we pray first that you would help us by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit to take our refuge in you and not in our own strength or plans.

We pray that you would help us to resist the temptation to usurp your role, and to allow you to deal with each person, even those who do evil to us, according to your knowledge and your designs.

We earnestly pray for all who would do us harm. Help us to understand in what ways we may be provoking the hatred of our enemies; help us to understand the frustration or desperation that may lead some to strike out against others; help us to love and not to hate; help us to want to pray for our enemies, for their salvation. We know that you do not wish for any to perish. We ask that your mighty presence be with those who embrace terrorism, and with their leaders.

We pray especially for (add who, where, or what).

Lord, we do not ask that you would assist them in their aggressive actions, but that you would open their eyes to you, and that you would soften their hearts until they repent and embrace the Lord Jesus Christ. May it be in our lifetime that we could call these men brothers in Christ. In the name of Jesus your Son we pray, Amen”

I added parentheses.

I pray that our great Creator Yahweh will draw all believers together in agreement of Yeshuas words to us.

I also pray for Yeshuas soon return and for His Kingdom come in our days. Amen

Always in His loving Grace, Lana

A Mental Health Story:  A wonderful son and friend

It’s been a strange week. It’s a long story that started in November 2015. I think I need to share this because this grown son so handsome and full of imagination and pure love, was a dear friend as well as my first child and son. 

It began on August 17, 1972 early in the morning. My first baby. I was slightly scared. All I remember of 12 hours labor is my husband talking and laughing with the Doctor.  At the time I thought it rude but what did a 22 year old girl know how they were supposed to act!  Anyway I woke the next morning to be in a room with another lady asking for her baby and soon I was asking for mine. 

We didn’t hear anything until the afternoon. In poured the other mothers family pastors and Doctor. They told her her baby had died she started wailing. I began crying thinking that’s what had happened to mine. A nurse came and reassured my baby was fine. I could not really believe it till he was in my arms!  After they took the mother and family out I was panicking. What’s wrong!!!

Thank God he was fine!  They kept him away for 2 days because they had pulled him out with forceps!  His poor head!  I didn’t care and immediately began nursing him…oh what joy!!

I want to record all the beautiful and painful situations of his amazing life. He lived a life of courage and faith fueled with patience and love. It would be too much though. I’m not sure what to highlight. My memories are jumbled. 

A two year getting potty trained while I held a screaming second son. I felt so bad for Philip. He was crying too as I led him to the potty. 

A sweet quiet playing boy. Imagining castles, dragons, and warriors. He made up his own games for his brother Matthew and sister Sarah.  They adored him. 

Then hell came into his and all our lives. His dad stepped out of our lives. 

BAM!  First blow to him that shook him to the core and crippled me emotionally. A trigger for helplessness, so much anger, feelings that came in waves like the pain I now feel.   Philip tried to be strong for me. It was more than he should have to handle. 

Nine long months in Army life and THE BREAK came at 19 years old. 

The next 20+ years we both struggled to survive. Philip began building an imaginary world. He felt whole and strong there. He came back to this world to visit his family but then he would always return often slipping back and forth to talk to us. I joked with him about it this year and he smiled and admitted he did that. I know he really had no control over the voices though. We both came to an understanding within our hearts and knew he would be healed one day. Just not the way it happened!  But do we really ever know “how” or “when”?

He was sent to the ER by ambulance on January 6, 2016 for Renal failure. In the ER while they were getting his blood pressure stabilized and an IV in, I noticed how distended his stomach was and asked a doctor. He ordered an x-Ray and then CT. The bowel empaction was BAD!  

Meeting his doctor from Advanced Rehab And Health Care in Wichita Falls, Tx, was confusing. No one told me he was in renal failure. Not even his doctor. His first question was, “Does he have siblings and where are they?”  Surprising he would ask that. 

Wait! What’s really wrong? He showed me numbers for Philips creatinine in his kidneys. They were too high and the doctor wanted them lowered. Okay, what about the empacked colon??  Oh, he would get a GI doctor for that but he would give him go-lightly. A colon cleanser. 

I won’t go on with each blow by blow for the next ten days which became more nightmarish each day. It’s all in his chart though. They refused him any treatment but the most conservative. 

We know he died of a heart attack but not why?  We, his family and I, want an autopsy. The JP here didn’t get an inquest so his hands were tied. Really??


This is the link my son set up if you could help us this week. One week to make a lot of decisions. 

I pray Yahweh our Eliohim will show us His will and way through this. Amen